October 31st, 2005


Fool Idiot

I sit and look out at the ocean.

I think it could be hotter outside, when my solitude
is disrupted by this drifter.

He talks to me as if it were normal to do so.
I play along, listening to him speak, pretending it's not awkward.
I ask for his name. He tells me it's Fool Idiot.

As he goes on about his life, I watch, looking directly
into his eyeballs as if staring at a television screen.
Dirty wrinkles frame his sea green irises:
clean windows with dilapidated brown sills.

He tells me how he used to smoke out with
Jerry Garcia and Bob Dylan. He wishes that
Bob would come back for him. He worries.
I look at his feet, shod in cheap flip-flops,
brown, dry and cracking.

I offer advice/encouragement. He sees me talking.
Fool tells me about Jerry Garcia some more.
I watch his mouth, chapped lips moving beneath
filthy sand-colored facial hair. I pay attention, and as I do,
I become sad. Not just because of his pathetic life, but
because I realize that, to me, he is just entertainment.

I ask about his name again.
He repeats, "Fool Idiot. Fool Idiot, Idiot Fool, all my life,
all my life."
My heart starts to hurt for him.
Then he asks me for a cigarette.
I tell him I don't smoke. He just holds his head in his hands,
sitting on the bench by the beach in Oceanside.

I manage to say something that perks his spirits.
For the first time, he really looks at me.
He smiles, and shows his tar stained, chipped teeth,
but what is more, I see his resilience.
The brief encounter leaves me with
a new feeling.
I feel like I am more connected than before.
Fool tells me his real name is Darius.
Joan of Arcadia

(no subject)

I'm mad at my sister for being a jerk to me.

She always watches TV shows without me because I have to do homework. I have told her how much I hate it when she does that, but she doesn't really care. So, I try to get her back by watching shows without her, and then she just makes me watch them AGAIN. Do you think she rewatches shows? Nope. So, I never get to watch some of the shows I want to watch because I have no one to push buttons for me.

The fact that I PHYSICALLY can't do it means nothing to her. If I protest, it doesn't matter. Because she can just do what ever she wants to do, and I can't stop her. I hate feeling upset, so I try to pretend like I'm OK with it, but I'm not.

If I try to stand up for myself, I just end up feeling like crap. I hate feeling like this, and I wish that my sister would just try to put herself in my shoes. I swear that I would want to have someone tie her up in a chair or something, and see how she likes being me for just an hour. But, I don't even think that she would learn anything from it. She would just be the victim, completely undeserving of such punishment, and it would be all about HER.