Log in

No account? Create an account

glad times, sad times
So, I had a pretty good week this past week.

Monday, I got to go to Sea World with my mom, Aunt Janet, and Grandma Stone which was a lot of fun. I haven't been since May 2009.

Then, on Thursday, we all went to Disneyland and California Adventure. It was really cool, especially because we got to see Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln and Capt. EO. (Capt. EO, by the way, is SPECTACULAR; it stars Michael Jackson and Anjelica Huston. Film was directed by Francis Coppola, and written by George Lucas. So it's basically so infused with awesomeness from every angle that it is a little difficult for most mortals to take in.) Anyhow, we had a great time there. At California Adventure, we got free Mickey Mouse shaped sourdough bread. We also got to see the Aladdin show, which was really good. We had mezzanine seats, so we got to see Aladdin and Jasmine on the carpet instead of just the bottom of the carpet.

Apart from all the fun I've been having, I've also been having a rough time sleeping lately. I wake up probably three or four times a night and can't get back to sleep for several hours at a time. It's really been affecting me.

Also, it's been hard to be me lately. It seems like I just complicate the lives of the people I love, and you have no idea how much that depresses me. It has been so difficult. It's really hard to feel like you're worth something when you are being told by actions and words that your existence is something people tolerate, and that it actively makes their lives harder. And I don't say this from a place of self-pity.

It's just that I have been incredibly lucky for most of my paralyzed life. Most days go by and it's almost like I'm a normal person, and that is because I have had the luxury of pretty steady help, sending me the message that it's okay to be me, because I'm not bothering anyone. And then lately... I guess my health has made me more high maintenance, which inconveniences the people who help me, and suddenly, I'm causing so much frustration. I don't want to be a bother to anyone, but I am, and it's not like I can do anything to stop it. If I don't get help from someone, that's it for me, essentially. I can't survive independently, and it is a horrible reality.

I try really hard to minimize the burden by being really polite about asking for things -- always trying to remember to say please and thank you -- but it doesn't seem like enough lately. I am at a loss of what to do.

Anyhow, sorry to be a bummer. I think it helps to be able to write about my feelings, though. Otherwise, I'm just torturing myself with all this internalization of sad feelings.